My dear sister once wrote me a year ago informing of my inability to spell...this is only proof that yes I am indeed human, contrary to popular belief...I cannot possibly do everything. Sometimes I would like to, but it is completely beyond my limitations as a living breathing human being. If I were a robot, then I might say otherwise....but the last time I checked, I had a pulse.
Which means, that sometimes, when I say yes, I really mean no, not today, thank you...I seem to be incapable of saying no...SO! New rule, people. I am no longer allowed to work more than two shows a semester and yes that includes the musical and my one act. thank you.
This isn't really speaking out against the people who need help with shows, its just that I'm discovering that I can't do everything and stay sane at the same time. Since mousetrap, my mind has been elsewhere. Someone drilled a hole in my head and my brain leaked out...probably when I was in the library clicking the refresh button on my facebook an unsightly amount of times purely for my own amusement. (don't think I'm weird, I just work there).
OVERWHELMED...that's all I really have to say...
Monday, March 17, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
oh the lessons that we learn...
God is hammering into my brain this one valuable lesson: don't freak out when things don't go as planned...because it usually means that what was planned was dumb in comparison to what I (God) have in store for you.
So, yeah, nothing in the past two years has gone according to how I had planned it. Went to a completely different school than originally intended. Lived in a state that I vowed not to touch with a ten foot pole. Dated a boy that I was not supposed to break up with. Dropped a major that makes more sense than theater. Went to a country that I was not supposed to go to. Added a major that I had every intention to avoid. Lost a competition that I really should have won. Wrote a resume that shouldn't have had spelling errors on it. Lost a camera (I know, I'm still kicking myself for it) with the photos on it that should've totally gotten me a job this summer. Drove to Jacksonville for Thai food that didn't exist. Saw a movie that should have been good but was closer to the blair witch project on acid.
The only things that have gone according to plan have been the pleasant surprises that God has dropped on my lap. The day that I discovered my purpose in theater was the day I was cast in my first show...it was the day that launched me into a semester of working with wonderful cast members and directors. It was the day that I decided not to drop out or transfer. It was the day that allowed me go to SETC and discover that there are people out there with whom I share some common ground. Why am I in theater? Its rather quite simple...just to love...not design, perform, direct, dance, sing, etc...just to love. And through that the rest falls into place.
If I do anything yet have not love, my art is done in vain. God did not allow me to create or function as a theatrical artist until I decided I was going to love above all else. I intend to not abandon that calling. Hopefully, that will go according as planned.
So, yeah, nothing in the past two years has gone according to how I had planned it. Went to a completely different school than originally intended. Lived in a state that I vowed not to touch with a ten foot pole. Dated a boy that I was not supposed to break up with. Dropped a major that makes more sense than theater. Went to a country that I was not supposed to go to. Added a major that I had every intention to avoid. Lost a competition that I really should have won. Wrote a resume that shouldn't have had spelling errors on it. Lost a camera (I know, I'm still kicking myself for it) with the photos on it that should've totally gotten me a job this summer. Drove to Jacksonville for Thai food that didn't exist. Saw a movie that should have been good but was closer to the blair witch project on acid.
The only things that have gone according to plan have been the pleasant surprises that God has dropped on my lap. The day that I discovered my purpose in theater was the day I was cast in my first show...it was the day that launched me into a semester of working with wonderful cast members and directors. It was the day that I decided not to drop out or transfer. It was the day that allowed me go to SETC and discover that there are people out there with whom I share some common ground. Why am I in theater? Its rather quite simple...just to love...not design, perform, direct, dance, sing, etc...just to love. And through that the rest falls into place.
If I do anything yet have not love, my art is done in vain. God did not allow me to create or function as a theatrical artist until I decided I was going to love above all else. I intend to not abandon that calling. Hopefully, that will go according as planned.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
who I was...
If your only knowledge of my person is based off of who you knew last semester, then today you do not know me. For who I was then is nothing like what I have become. If you were privileged to only really know me this semester, count your lucky stars, for I would not have wanted to know me last semester.
The person you would have known in the fall was a person who was in so much spiritual and emotional pain that it caused physical anguish. I knew that the physical pain wasn't real, that it was really a broken heart that was throbbing...but I felt it course throughout my whole body every day. I didn't know how to handle the anguish back then. It came upon me like wave every morning...a wave so big that I couldn't outrun it, as hard as I tried, and when it caught up to me it swept me back into an ocean of sorrow with the strength of a hundred whirlwinds all blowing in different directions. I let it consume me. For nine months I waded in puddles of gloom and hopelessness. My sky was filled by the clouds of painful memories that surfaced each day. I apologize to anyone who knew me in that condition. My struggle with depression caused storms for other people as well, and I regret to say that I allowed my troubles to cause tension in my relationships with people. Because of the events that led up to my tribulation, I had a hard time trusting anyone. I had built an emotional wall too high to climb and too thick to destroy. I shut myself in and others out. Instead of allowing my pain to be crucified with my savior, I hoarded it and let it fester like an untreated wound. The infection killed my spirit, there was no life in my eyes last fall.
Even though a dead spirit is never a good thing, I think something inside of me needed to die. There was a part of me, before the storm, that was incredibly selfish and self-righteous. I thought I had it all figured out back then. Contrary to my opinion when I was a freshman, I now know that I don't have anything figured out at all and all that I am sure of is what has happened to me today. Yesterday is only a shadow cast by this morning's sunshine...and until the sun rises again, there is no guarantee of tomorrow...so why even try to figure it out?
Part of me was also secretly grieving the loss of a world that I shall never return to. I didn't know it at the time because I was feeding my grieving spirit with other substitutes such as: a boy. I was dating a fellow long distance who had actually been to the country which I call my home. I think that's why I felt so comfortable around him, because we both had common ground that nobody else had. The knowledge that the memory of my home could be found in a relationship shoved the feelings of grief aside. When, however, that relationship dissolved, all the sense of loss that had been boiling on the back burner spilled over and was such a shock that it destroyed my peace of mind. I was dealing with a brutal breakup, which is painful enough as it is, as well as the loss of a way of life, and struggling with the fact that I could not go home to seek comfort. God turned my life upside down. He threw me into a church camp with a bunch of people I didn't know. I worked 17 hour days and babysat seventh graders after my work shift was over until about midnight. I was in charge of kitchen and dining hall maintenance. I learned very quickly how to scrub mashed potatoes off walls and ceilings and to not let children under the age of 7 pour their own drinks. I also learned that unless I pulled twice as much weight as I was expected to, my kitchen help would not take their jobs seriously. No one realized that I was actually over 18 unless I told them (I am rather small for my age). The kid's I was mentoring came from rough homes, so their idea of fun was a couple of black eyes (not on purpose of course, they just rough house a lot). My workload was so large that I had to wear knee braces just to be able to stand for as long as I was required to.
The work God gave me while I was grieving kept me going in a sense. It gave me a reason to get up each morning. It also provided a much needed distraction. It was also very physically demanding, and exercise helps improve mindsets. After the summer, however, the return to school became a nosedive into a completely different battle. I wasn't nearly as active, so Satan was given the opportunity to prey upon my idle mind. I was living with new people of very different personalities. All of my good friends had graduated. And my one friend who was left ceased talking to me for a reason that I still do not know. I had to start over. I felt adrift...like the roots I had worked so hard to plant the year before had been ripped up from the ground and tossed onto concrete...this is when the loss of home and the loss of love haunted me the most. The ghosts of my past tormented my dreams and shadowed my existence.
Refusing to let go of a broken relationship is what prolonged the suffering, I think. I did not feel the slightest bit of release until I deleted his number from my phone which was in December (eight months after the breakup). Freedom did not fully come, however, until I finished reading Redeeming Love (a book that I think everyone should read). In the book, one of the characters has a prayer box in which she places the things that she has trouble giving over to God. When I read that, I thought to myself, "that's a good idea, I should do something like that." SO I searched my room for an unused box, but none of the ones I had were an appropriate size. I did, however, discover a pitcher that I never use and I thought, "perfect, I will use this as my prayer pitcher." Immediately I sat down and started writing. This is what I wrote: Yahweh, please give me the opportunity to find peace with the relationships that have been broken over the past year. Maybe some good could still come from them. Keep me from getting ill, I still have four shows to costume this semester and I can't afford to be sick. Banish this feeling of loneliness that consumes me right now." I dated the paper, folded it, and put it into the pitcher. The very next day I was informed that my x boyfriend was coming in town. While he was with us, I spent two days wondering what to do and feeling very awkward and sad at the same time. Then it occurred to me, maybe God is giving me the chance to find peace. So I requested his presence the day he was scheduled to leave. Forgiveness was experienced on that day. I did what I had to do to obtain closure and restore a positive note to the memories of him that I will carry with me. As soon as I had done that my heart was filled with joy, so much that I could not contain it. It bubbled out of me like an overflowing bubble bath. The same day, my friend who had stopped talking to me reached out (for reasons that I still do not know) and restored a civil relationship. I was very blessed by what God had done that week. God also kept me healthy during that horrible flu epidemic at the beginning of the semester, which I am very thankful for. God also gave me new friends. He has blessed me with so many wonderful people who have accepted me just the way I am. I am awed by the amount of love that God had for me all along...I just didn't have the eyes to see it last semester. God has turned my heart towards him and I no longer lean on my own understanding. I trust that God knows what he's doing even if I don't. If part of me didn't die last semester, I wouldn't be alive today.
The person you would have known in the fall was a person who was in so much spiritual and emotional pain that it caused physical anguish. I knew that the physical pain wasn't real, that it was really a broken heart that was throbbing...but I felt it course throughout my whole body every day. I didn't know how to handle the anguish back then. It came upon me like wave every morning...a wave so big that I couldn't outrun it, as hard as I tried, and when it caught up to me it swept me back into an ocean of sorrow with the strength of a hundred whirlwinds all blowing in different directions. I let it consume me. For nine months I waded in puddles of gloom and hopelessness. My sky was filled by the clouds of painful memories that surfaced each day. I apologize to anyone who knew me in that condition. My struggle with depression caused storms for other people as well, and I regret to say that I allowed my troubles to cause tension in my relationships with people. Because of the events that led up to my tribulation, I had a hard time trusting anyone. I had built an emotional wall too high to climb and too thick to destroy. I shut myself in and others out. Instead of allowing my pain to be crucified with my savior, I hoarded it and let it fester like an untreated wound. The infection killed my spirit, there was no life in my eyes last fall.
Even though a dead spirit is never a good thing, I think something inside of me needed to die. There was a part of me, before the storm, that was incredibly selfish and self-righteous. I thought I had it all figured out back then. Contrary to my opinion when I was a freshman, I now know that I don't have anything figured out at all and all that I am sure of is what has happened to me today. Yesterday is only a shadow cast by this morning's sunshine...and until the sun rises again, there is no guarantee of tomorrow...so why even try to figure it out?
Part of me was also secretly grieving the loss of a world that I shall never return to. I didn't know it at the time because I was feeding my grieving spirit with other substitutes such as: a boy. I was dating a fellow long distance who had actually been to the country which I call my home. I think that's why I felt so comfortable around him, because we both had common ground that nobody else had. The knowledge that the memory of my home could be found in a relationship shoved the feelings of grief aside. When, however, that relationship dissolved, all the sense of loss that had been boiling on the back burner spilled over and was such a shock that it destroyed my peace of mind. I was dealing with a brutal breakup, which is painful enough as it is, as well as the loss of a way of life, and struggling with the fact that I could not go home to seek comfort. God turned my life upside down. He threw me into a church camp with a bunch of people I didn't know. I worked 17 hour days and babysat seventh graders after my work shift was over until about midnight. I was in charge of kitchen and dining hall maintenance. I learned very quickly how to scrub mashed potatoes off walls and ceilings and to not let children under the age of 7 pour their own drinks. I also learned that unless I pulled twice as much weight as I was expected to, my kitchen help would not take their jobs seriously. No one realized that I was actually over 18 unless I told them (I am rather small for my age). The kid's I was mentoring came from rough homes, so their idea of fun was a couple of black eyes (not on purpose of course, they just rough house a lot). My workload was so large that I had to wear knee braces just to be able to stand for as long as I was required to.
The work God gave me while I was grieving kept me going in a sense. It gave me a reason to get up each morning. It also provided a much needed distraction. It was also very physically demanding, and exercise helps improve mindsets. After the summer, however, the return to school became a nosedive into a completely different battle. I wasn't nearly as active, so Satan was given the opportunity to prey upon my idle mind. I was living with new people of very different personalities. All of my good friends had graduated. And my one friend who was left ceased talking to me for a reason that I still do not know. I had to start over. I felt adrift...like the roots I had worked so hard to plant the year before had been ripped up from the ground and tossed onto concrete...this is when the loss of home and the loss of love haunted me the most. The ghosts of my past tormented my dreams and shadowed my existence.
Refusing to let go of a broken relationship is what prolonged the suffering, I think. I did not feel the slightest bit of release until I deleted his number from my phone which was in December (eight months after the breakup). Freedom did not fully come, however, until I finished reading Redeeming Love (a book that I think everyone should read). In the book, one of the characters has a prayer box in which she places the things that she has trouble giving over to God. When I read that, I thought to myself, "that's a good idea, I should do something like that." SO I searched my room for an unused box, but none of the ones I had were an appropriate size. I did, however, discover a pitcher that I never use and I thought, "perfect, I will use this as my prayer pitcher." Immediately I sat down and started writing. This is what I wrote: Yahweh, please give me the opportunity to find peace with the relationships that have been broken over the past year. Maybe some good could still come from them. Keep me from getting ill, I still have four shows to costume this semester and I can't afford to be sick. Banish this feeling of loneliness that consumes me right now." I dated the paper, folded it, and put it into the pitcher. The very next day I was informed that my x boyfriend was coming in town. While he was with us, I spent two days wondering what to do and feeling very awkward and sad at the same time. Then it occurred to me, maybe God is giving me the chance to find peace. So I requested his presence the day he was scheduled to leave. Forgiveness was experienced on that day. I did what I had to do to obtain closure and restore a positive note to the memories of him that I will carry with me. As soon as I had done that my heart was filled with joy, so much that I could not contain it. It bubbled out of me like an overflowing bubble bath. The same day, my friend who had stopped talking to me reached out (for reasons that I still do not know) and restored a civil relationship. I was very blessed by what God had done that week. God also kept me healthy during that horrible flu epidemic at the beginning of the semester, which I am very thankful for. God also gave me new friends. He has blessed me with so many wonderful people who have accepted me just the way I am. I am awed by the amount of love that God had for me all along...I just didn't have the eyes to see it last semester. God has turned my heart towards him and I no longer lean on my own understanding. I trust that God knows what he's doing even if I don't. If part of me didn't die last semester, I wouldn't be alive today.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Transparency Sheets
I have resisted the temptation of writing a blog for some time now. Several people once (a very long time ago) pestered me about my disinterest in xanga, myspace, and just blogging in general. Why? Because I am very private person and don't like the idea of the whole world being able to read between the lines without my permission. I also don't like privacy settings, because I don't like leading others to believe that they're in my special circle because...well...that circle doesn't really exist. There are those who see me all the time because out paths cross and then there are those that don't see me ever because...well...I guess we never do the same things or attend the same events. And then there are those whom I see all the time but who never see me back...and that's not necessarily my fault.
So why, do you ask, start now? Why bother to blog when before it had no appeal? Well, if you keep reading, I will be obliged to tell you...or I could just stop writing now and leave you hanging, but I hate it when people do that, so the saga continues.
I am writing because I don't want there to be any secrets in my life. Sounds awful atfirst, but secrets are dirty despicable little things that can ruin everything if allowed to grow. Secrets, unless for the benefit of another, are usually hidden out of shame or self-preservation. I can tell you right now that there are plenty of things I've done that I should very well be ashamed of. But I have recently discovered the beauty of transparency and the healing joy that comes from the truth. If I am to live a life of truth, I must live in God's light, which penetrates the darkness of my nature and exposes my brokeness for the world to see. Fortunately the light of God is one of grace, and when the cracks of my soul are fleshed out in the daylight, the great shoemaker can finally make repairs. And that's where I am right now. I am in the process of being renewed. No where near perfect, I can assure you, but I have embraced the gentle hands of the healer and have finally began the great surrender.
I am writing because a dear friend of mine has a blog and writes such wonderfully beautiful thoughts that I nearly fall in love with what he has written every time. His words scream the love of God and have changed the way that I see the world. I thought that maybe if I wrote, someone else might be encouraged to see another human being struggle with the same things they struggle with...or to see that someone else thinks about the same mundane daydreams that they also think...or perhaps maybe God can love them through the things that I write. I only say that because I have felt so loved by God by this dear friend's blog. The wonders of the Lord are a mystery to me, especially his ability to use people without them knowing.
I am also writing because I know that there will come a time when I'm caught in the middle of a terrible storm and hope seems rather dim. This is where I need accountability and encouragement. Strength is found in the body of Christ when we fellowship together. When I enter the professional world as a tentmaker, I will need a way to communicate thoughts, struggles, and the like with those who are far from me, but who know the same Jesus. And maybe one of those people will value the fellowship I long for just as much as I do, and comment on what I have written. And as long as I am able I would like to do the same.
I guess in a way, I have decided to become a transparency sheet...and hopefully as I grow, words of worship will be written on my heart so that when God shines the overhead projector, words that praise and glorify God are what is seen.
So why, do you ask, start now? Why bother to blog when before it had no appeal? Well, if you keep reading, I will be obliged to tell you...or I could just stop writing now and leave you hanging, but I hate it when people do that, so the saga continues.
I am writing because I don't want there to be any secrets in my life. Sounds awful atfirst, but secrets are dirty despicable little things that can ruin everything if allowed to grow. Secrets, unless for the benefit of another, are usually hidden out of shame or self-preservation. I can tell you right now that there are plenty of things I've done that I should very well be ashamed of. But I have recently discovered the beauty of transparency and the healing joy that comes from the truth. If I am to live a life of truth, I must live in God's light, which penetrates the darkness of my nature and exposes my brokeness for the world to see. Fortunately the light of God is one of grace, and when the cracks of my soul are fleshed out in the daylight, the great shoemaker can finally make repairs. And that's where I am right now. I am in the process of being renewed. No where near perfect, I can assure you, but I have embraced the gentle hands of the healer and have finally began the great surrender.
I am writing because a dear friend of mine has a blog and writes such wonderfully beautiful thoughts that I nearly fall in love with what he has written every time. His words scream the love of God and have changed the way that I see the world. I thought that maybe if I wrote, someone else might be encouraged to see another human being struggle with the same things they struggle with...or to see that someone else thinks about the same mundane daydreams that they also think...or perhaps maybe God can love them through the things that I write. I only say that because I have felt so loved by God by this dear friend's blog. The wonders of the Lord are a mystery to me, especially his ability to use people without them knowing.
I am also writing because I know that there will come a time when I'm caught in the middle of a terrible storm and hope seems rather dim. This is where I need accountability and encouragement. Strength is found in the body of Christ when we fellowship together. When I enter the professional world as a tentmaker, I will need a way to communicate thoughts, struggles, and the like with those who are far from me, but who know the same Jesus. And maybe one of those people will value the fellowship I long for just as much as I do, and comment on what I have written. And as long as I am able I would like to do the same.
I guess in a way, I have decided to become a transparency sheet...and hopefully as I grow, words of worship will be written on my heart so that when God shines the overhead projector, words that praise and glorify God are what is seen.
through the eyes of a broken mirror come reflections of something whole
each stanza is a day of contemplation. they do not necessarily relate.
Yesterday is just a shadow
Cast by the sunlight that God gives us today.
The price of the future is to trust in the author
Who is at this moment writing the rest of the play.
The clouds of one day's labor
Bring the rainfall for the harvest
If today did not meet you with flavor
Be content with God's sure promise.
I am just a child,
of the world I once was claimed
But reborn was I
When the storm's fierce eye
Allowed me see my soul was maimed.
The magnitude of death did swallow
My perceptions of the world at hand
I realized if my heart stayed fallow
There would be no life within this land.
Till the sunbaked meadow of clay
I cried out to the planter
Salvage if possible whatever you may
Purge my soil of ill-wrought banter.
Yesterday is just a shadow
Cast by the sunlight that God gives us today.
The price of the future is to trust in the author
Who is at this moment writing the rest of the play.
The clouds of one day's labor
Bring the rainfall for the harvest
If today did not meet you with flavor
Be content with God's sure promise.
I am just a child,
of the world I once was claimed
But reborn was I
When the storm's fierce eye
Allowed me see my soul was maimed.
The magnitude of death did swallow
My perceptions of the world at hand
I realized if my heart stayed fallow
There would be no life within this land.
Till the sunbaked meadow of clay
I cried out to the planter
Salvage if possible whatever you may
Purge my soil of ill-wrought banter.
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