who I was...

If your only knowledge of my person is based off of who you knew last semester, then today you do not know me. For who I was then is nothing like what I have become. If you were privileged to only really know me this semester, count your lucky stars, for I would not have wanted to know me last semester.

The person you would have known in the fall was a person who was in so much spiritual and emotional pain that it caused physical anguish. I knew that the physical pain wasn't real, that it was really a broken heart that was throbbing...but I felt it course throughout my whole body every day. I didn't know how to handle the anguish back then. It came upon me like wave every morning...a wave so big that I couldn't outrun it, as hard as I tried, and when it caught up to me it swept me back into an ocean of sorrow with the strength of a hundred whirlwinds all blowing in different directions. I let it consume me. For nine months I waded in puddles of gloom and hopelessness. My sky was filled by the clouds of painful memories that surfaced each day. I apologize to anyone who knew me in that condition. My struggle with depression caused storms for other people as well, and I regret to say that I allowed my troubles to cause tension in my relationships with people. Because of the events that led up to my tribulation, I had a hard time trusting anyone. I had built an emotional wall too high to climb and too thick to destroy. I shut myself in and others out. Instead of allowing my pain to be crucified with my savior, I hoarded it and let it fester like an untreated wound. The infection killed my spirit, there was no life in my eyes last fall.

Even though a dead spirit is never a good thing, I think something inside of me needed to die. There was a part of me, before the storm, that was incredibly selfish and self-righteous. I thought I had it all figured out back then. Contrary to my opinion when I was a freshman, I now know that I don't have anything figured out at all and all that I am sure of is what has happened to me today. Yesterday is only a shadow cast by this morning's sunshine...and until the sun rises again, there is no guarantee of tomorrow...so why even try to figure it out?

Part of me was also secretly grieving the loss of a world that I shall never return to. I didn't know it at the time because I was feeding my grieving spirit with other substitutes such as: a boy. I was dating a fellow long distance who had actually been to the country which I call my home. I think that's why I felt so comfortable around him, because we both had common ground that nobody else had. The knowledge that the memory of my home could be found in a relationship shoved the feelings of grief aside. When, however, that relationship dissolved, all the sense of loss that had been boiling on the back burner spilled over and was such a shock that it destroyed my peace of mind. I was dealing with a brutal breakup, which is painful enough as it is, as well as the loss of a way of life, and struggling with the fact that I could not go home to seek comfort. God turned my life upside down. He threw me into a church camp with a bunch of people I didn't know. I worked 17 hour days and babysat seventh graders after my work shift was over until about midnight. I was in charge of kitchen and dining hall maintenance. I learned very quickly how to scrub mashed potatoes off walls and ceilings and to not let children under the age of 7 pour their own drinks. I also learned that unless I pulled twice as much weight as I was expected to, my kitchen help would not take their jobs seriously. No one realized that I was actually over 18 unless I told them (I am rather small for my age). The kid's I was mentoring came from rough homes, so their idea of fun was a couple of black eyes (not on purpose of course, they just rough house a lot). My workload was so large that I had to wear knee braces just to be able to stand for as long as I was required to.

The work God gave me while I was grieving kept me going in a sense. It gave me a reason to get up each morning. It also provided a much needed distraction. It was also very physically demanding, and exercise helps improve mindsets. After the summer, however, the return to school became a nosedive into a completely different battle. I wasn't nearly as active, so Satan was given the opportunity to prey upon my idle mind. I was living with new people of very different personalities. All of my good friends had graduated. And my one friend who was left ceased talking to me for a reason that I still do not know. I had to start over. I felt adrift...like the roots I had worked so hard to plant the year before had been ripped up from the ground and tossed onto concrete...this is when the loss of home and the loss of love haunted me the most. The ghosts of my past tormented my dreams and shadowed my existence.

Refusing to let go of a broken relationship is what prolonged the suffering, I think. I did not feel the slightest bit of release until I deleted his number from my phone which was in December (eight months after the breakup). Freedom did not fully come, however, until I finished reading Redeeming Love (a book that I think everyone should read). In the book, one of the characters has a prayer box in which she places the things that she has trouble giving over to God. When I read that, I thought to myself, "that's a good idea, I should do something like that." SO I searched my room for an unused box, but none of the ones I had were an appropriate size. I did, however, discover a pitcher that I never use and I thought, "perfect, I will use this as my prayer pitcher." Immediately I sat down and started writing. This is what I wrote: Yahweh, please give me the opportunity to find peace with the relationships that have been broken over the past year. Maybe some good could still come from them. Keep me from getting ill, I still have four shows to costume this semester and I can't afford to be sick. Banish this feeling of loneliness that consumes me right now." I dated the paper, folded it, and put it into the pitcher. The very next day I was informed that my x boyfriend was coming in town. While he was with us, I spent two days wondering what to do and feeling very awkward and sad at the same time. Then it occurred to me, maybe God is giving me the chance to find peace. So I requested his presence the day he was scheduled to leave. Forgiveness was experienced on that day. I did what I had to do to obtain closure and restore a positive note to the memories of him that I will carry with me. As soon as I had done that my heart was filled with joy, so much that I could not contain it. It bubbled out of me like an overflowing bubble bath. The same day, my friend who had stopped talking to me reached out (for reasons that I still do not know) and restored a civil relationship. I was very blessed by what God had done that week. God also kept me healthy during that horrible flu epidemic at the beginning of the semester, which I am very thankful for. God also gave me new friends. He has blessed me with so many wonderful people who have accepted me just the way I am. I am awed by the amount of love that God had for me all along...I just didn't have the eyes to see it last semester. God has turned my heart towards him and I no longer lean on my own understanding. I trust that God knows what he's doing even if I don't. If part of me didn't die last semester, I wouldn't be alive today.